Posted by: jasgreen | January 5, 2010

What does a woman really look like?

For some time now, I’ve battled with the thought of rather I should have breast augmentation or not. I see the girls who have gotten their breast size increased and I wonder from time to time if I should follow what the crowd is doing. But then I say to myself I’m happy with the way my body developed. Why must I have this hour glass figure to be consider a woman? Women have curves as the saying goes.

Escorts spend thousands of dollars to obtain the bodies that we see on she-male websites  just so that they can fulfill the fantasy of what a woman should look like. What girl doesn’t look at Beyonce and dream of having a body so perfect, so sought after by men, that for some results in drastic measures as becoming obsessive with dieting and exercising.

I still remember growing up and all I really wanted was to be like all the other girls. Shape and size never crossed my mind nor did I put emphasis on femininity.  I still remember being in love with one my neighborhood friends and saying to him that I wanted for us to get married which he admittedly responded by saying, boys can’t get married. I laughed and said of course boys can’t get married to each other, but, I’m not a boy.  I told him that I was going to have my sex changed when I got older and we could get married and have babies. To this we both gazed into the stars with the biggest grin on our faces. Never once did I think that I would need facial feminization, butt implants, silicone placed throughout my body and take hormones for the rest of my life.

I am a twin of my mother and for years everyone finds it hard to believe that me and my mother are nothing more than sisters. So, for me it became easy for me to just affirm my identity of being female and not male without all the drastic measures I’ve read and seen other girls take. I don’t hold myself out to be 100% unclockable because I know this is nothing more than a lie. In fact I kind of enjoy the attention that I get when someone looks at me and says, is that a man or woman. I can say that with all honesty now but it was not the case for most of my life. I hated when people questioned my identity. I’m a girl damn it. Yet, now, I know I’m a girl (a female) and it no longer bothers me if someone thinks I’m a man or if I’m a tranny. Clock me, read me if you will, but I’m just your average looking girl who happens to have been born with a condition (AIS) which placed me between both sexes in this universe. And, I’m ok with that now. I can admire the beauty of a woman and the beauty of a man, somewhere there is me.

I can walk down the street and see a drop dead gorgeous female with the perfect hour glass figure and know that I don’t have a body like that but still be ok with that. I can see a man walk down the street and know that I don’t have a body like that either and still be ok with it.  Again, somewhere in the middle is me. I don’t have a full double D cup size, shoot, I don’t even have a full C cup size breast. But, I’m not alone in this universe of women born with small breast size. I have to keep telling myself this because each time a see a real tall woman with double D chest, my mind wants to try to trick me into saying that’s what a woman should look like.

My breast is smaller than my mother and my hips are smaller than my mother. I can’t put on the tight fitting jeans with the nice blouse that hangs off of my breast and shows my hour glass figure. Slip on a pair of high heeled boots with my jeans tucked inside and my butt becomes the apple bottom that most guys drool over. For me, I have make sure that the cloths I buy are tapered in such a way that it gives the impression that I have hips. Maybe I’m just being too hard on myself but this is the imagine that I have to deal with on a daily basis and if I don’t fit that imagine, am I less than a woman?

So, I look in the mirror each day and I tell myself…girl you look good just the way you are. Don’t go off spending thousand of dollars to look like the imagine that you think a woman should look like. So what if people clock you, read you. What does that really mean? Someone calls you a man, are you a man? So you don’t look like Beyonce, join the club girl, after Beyonce will come another girl that people will consider the look of a true woman. Why can’t my role model be Monique? Why can’t I desire to be just as big as she is yet be so comfortable with just the way I am? Better yet, why can’t I be happy just being me?

I had to come back and edit this entry because I felt that I needed to say one more thing. I’ve had friends that told me that I should wear a wig or put on make up or go get breast implants, anything that they deem to be what women should look like. Yet, here is the point that I always stood for in my life. I admire the girls that can get up in the morning with a scarf around their head, no make up on and walk out their doors with a t-shirt and sweats on and still are respected as women than the most glamorous girl who can only be seen as a woman if she has had facial feminization, a pound of make up on, silicone place throughout her body and a head full of weave.

If there is anything that I learned from Ru Paul is that you can take the hardest looking man in the world and turn him into the most stunning looking girl on earth if you have the right lighting and the right make-up kit. I would always tell my dear ex-friends that being a woman isn’t about the breast size, the make-up or how your body looks. Being  a woman has everything to do with your self-esteem. Don’t confuse this with being a female. Being female is biological. I’m not talking about being female. I’m talking about identity here. Nevertheless, I can respect women like my mother, my biggest inspiration on womanhood, and my cousin whom both have never worn a stitch of makeup. So when you look in the mirror and see a woman whom you think is the embodiment of womanhood, what is it about her that says that is what a woman should look like?

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