Posted by: jasgreen | August 22, 2009

So, What’s it like to become a woman?

I’m often asked this question from people that don’t have a full understanding of my medical condition. So, I thought it would be a good idea to write about my own experience and to help educate some who may have the very same question in mind.

For me, I didn’t just decided to become a woman. I was born a girl forced to be a boy due to unforeseeable biological developments. Other words, what you saw was not what you had.

In essence, we are not born fully developed. Our brains are still developing, our genitalia is still developing and will go through a series of developmental stages before they are mature enough to become a major part of our lives. Our height and weight is proportional with our developmental stages throughout life. Most importantly, is our brain development.

At specific point in life, we discover that we are male or female, not from just what others tell us we are. Fetal hormones have a large significant part in shaping this part of our brains. Just as too much estrogen can result in a male child being born female or the opposite, your brain has a sex also and it can result in your brain developing into a female structure with opposite anatomy. Yet, this is far more complex to try to explain and there are studies that have shown this to be the very case.

Picture if you will, a little girl is born. From the outside, she appears just like all the other little girls. But, by the time she turns one year old, there is a difference you can spot in her behavior. She doesn’t behave in the same manner as other little girls her own age. She prefers boy toys over girl toys. As she continues to age, she in fact insist that he be address as a boy. He refuses to wear girl cloths and hates any connotation that he be referred to a She.

The parents are baffled by this strange behavior. They try ever so hard to instill that He is in fact a She. As this battle continues, He begins to develop social problems because now other children have started to notice that He is not a He and is in fact a She. Yet, his behavior is not typical of other girls and other girls don’t want him around for obvious reasons.

He begins to feel isolation. He has no peers, no one to relate too. He’s being called horrible names and made fun of by other boys and girls. No one wants to socialize with him out of fear that they may be subjected to becoming an outcast just like Him.

But, lucky for Him, there is a support group that meets once a month that works with boys and girls like Him. He has a chance to finally understand what is going on with him and why He is the way He is. He soon discovers that He has a medical condition in which He was born with anatomy that didn’t match his brain. In fact, his brain is male while his anatomy is female. It all starts to make since now.

All He has to do now is explain to everyone what He has learned. However, this is not how the world is educated to know the difference between the two sexes. The world has come to learn that biology is perfect and there are no mistakes. So, when He begins to tell people why He is in fact a boy and not a girl, the world still shuns Him. They ignore the medical evidence that has been recently discovered that proves He is in fact a boy.

Now deep in depression, He continues his journey to adulthood and to discover that He doesn’t develop like all the other girls. He isn’t menstruating and he doesn’t develop breast like all the other girls. This only adds to the confusion because everyone is telling Him that He should be a She.

Doctors ignore his condition and just pushes it off as He is a late bloomer. By the time He becomes 23 years of age. He insists that He not be forced to live His life as a girl and now starts to makes changes in His life to become legally and biologically a Male.

Because He has spent such a grate deal of His life being an outcast, He never dates and He never has children. He begins the process of having a Hysterectomy to remove any anatomy that does not belong on a Male. He lifts weight and is scheduled to have Metoidioplasty in about a year.

He legally changes his name and all identification that mentions that He is a She. In the meantime, society still refers to Him as a freak and an outcast. His parents and family have disowned Him. He is going about this all alone with the exception of the support group members.

After a year has pasted, He is officially Male and now is legally able to marry and start a family of His own. As a final step in His journey, He has surgery and sends off for His new birth certificate which makes it official that He is in fact a Male.

Life picks up for Him now and He starts to date where He meets a very accepting and loving woman. The two of them can never have children together but that doesn’t stop them. They get married and His wife goes to a sperm bank clinic and become pregnant with their first child.

Some years later, the two of them are happily married with 3 children and they couldn’t be any more content with life.

With the exception of a boy being born a girl, the wedding and children this is what my life is. I am a women to the fullest extent with the exception of a few missing parts. I didn’t wake up and choose to be a girl, I was a girl from the point that I discovered the differences between the two sexes. I didn’t become a woman, I grew up as a girl being forced to be a boy. I didn’t have the socialization that most girl have nor did I have the socialization that most boys have while growing up. Childhood was a nightmare far from what most people would call normal.

So, I don’t know what’s it like to become a woman because I didn’t become a woman, I was born a girl who grew up to be a woman. I don’t understand what’s its like to be a man nor a boy since I never was one from the beginning.

Posted by: jasgreen | August 13, 2009

So, what does vaginal sex feel like?

For years growing up as a girl with male genitalia, I had the same sexual drive as most heterosexual girls have, to be penetrated vaginally. Yet, I was a girl born with a missing vaginal and in it’s place, I was given male organs so a certain extent.

I use to listen to my friends talk about how good vaginal sex felt to them and I was always left feeling like something was missing. What does it feel like? “Oh, it feels so good after you get past the original pain of being a virgin.”  Non of my friends could tell me the experience. I even asked an ex-friend who was post-op and in a long term relationship what it felt like. She couldn’t explain it either.

Well, now I have my answer. I hope this will help other girls out there who may be questioning what vaginal sex feels like. This is just my opinion and I can only speak for myself. Each girl may have a different feeling. Also, I’m still early in the healing process and I believe it will at least a year before everything settles into place and what I feel now will change to pleasure as time goes by.

Ok, for us girls born with missing vagina’s, we have to have surgery or dilate to create one. Our vagina’s aren’t the made up of the same tissue that girls who are born with vagina’s have. Their tissue is much more elastic and can accommodate all kinds of shape and sizes. Since my vagina is made up of different tissue, I have to dilate so that I can at least be sexual with the average sized male.

Nevertheless, there is something that we all have in common down there and that the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle. It doesn’t matter if you were born with a vagina or not, male or female, we all have that same muscle. This muscle is the same muscle that controls the anus. When vaginoplasty was performed, this muscle had to be cut in order to make entrance into my vagina.

Girls born with a vagina already have a space which the muscle surrounds the vaginal cavity. Over time, my PC muscle will heal and it will function pretty much the same. In the mean time, my body has to learn itself all over again. Dilation helps with the healing process and also trains the PC muscle that my vagina entrance is supposed to be there. Some girls born with vagina’s also go through this process entitled, Vaginismus.

What does this have to do with feelings? Hold your horses, I’m getting to the point. For right now, as my body heals, I do feel pleasure in my vagina. But, I also feel a slight sensation of tearing which feels more like a burning sensation. If you are a girl and you remember your first time you had sex and it burned a little, that’s what I feel right now. Yet, there is also a sensation of fullness down there almost like I have to go sit on the toilet to move my bowels. I contribute all this to the training of my PC muscles.

My doctors assistant told me to be careful that I’m not dilating in the wrong position and that I not entering the rectum causing a fistula. However, I don’t think this is the case because I don’t angle my dilators. I insert my dilators parallel to the bed and my body. In other words, position plays a key role in the angle you insert. I’m very careful to always make sure that I’m parallel to my spine.

Now, I’m expecting this fullness feeling to last for sometime until my body and PC muscle become used to actually having a vagina. Currently, it’s only been one month and I’m still early in my healing process. That PC muscle can be a real party spoiler because each time I move up in size of dilator it will let me know that it will only take so much.  I’m not rushing the process and I hope my blog entry will help other girls to learn what they could possibly expect. Again this is my experience. You could feel something entirely different. But, I do know that we all have that PC muscle and it needs to go through a healing process as well as a training process. Once it’s healed and trained, that’s when the pleasure will set in.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 30, 2009

The dilator/depth debates continues……..

Each day, I’m on a schedule to dilate 4 times a day for at least 10-20 minutes each session. Yet, I dilate 4 times a day for 40 minutes each session because I read how one surgeon suggest that anything less than 2 hours a day is not enough to train my neovagina.

Nevertheless, my surgeon insist that his dilators that he recommends is the best in the world and all other fail. Well, I’ve done my research and I’m no longer in a fight by myself on which dilators are the best to use to train the neovagina but also just how much depth is needed to have a successful sex life with an average sized man.

There is a misconception amongst the HBS/Transsexual women that depth is the all important factor in having a successful sexual life with an average size man. It not uncommon that you will hear girls brag about how much depth their surgeons have given them and how much they have maintained. “I have 6 inches of depth.” And another will say, “Yeah, well, I have 8 inches of depth.” I even read how some girls who kept their surgeons dilation schedules to the tee and still lost depth. Is this even possible with just a skin graft?

I would like to start off by mentioning an article written by Dr. Anne Lawrence.  “Vaginal depth in natal females typically ranges from 7 to 14 cm or about 3 to 5-1/2 inches.” According to Dr. Lawrence and her research results, this is the typical depth that most girls end up with postoperative. She mentions that it is highly unlikely that further depth can be achieved with just the typical skin graft procedure due to the peritoneal reflection (The Douglas Pouch) preventing further dissection. The rectovesicle septum is typically 10 to 12 cm or 4 to 5 inches before the surgeon has to stop dissection or he or she will end up into the peritoneal cavity. There no room for curving upwards or downwards, side to side. Nevertheless, this is well within typical range of natal females. The only time that the peritoneal cavity is entered is when we are talking about colon vaginoplasty. Please read the study for further understanding.

Notes on Genital Dimensions

By Dr. Anne Lawrence

http://www.annelawrence.com/twr/genitaldimensions.html

Now, I would like to also draw my sisters attention to women born with missing vagina’s or vagina’s that are completely formed, the condition is otherwise known as MRKH. What do these women have in common with us? Well for one, if they choose to go about the McIndoe vaginoplasty, they pretty much have to endure what we HBS/transsexual women must endure. By the way, 1 in 5,000 women are born with this condition. What are their averages in depth? Well, according to the studies that have been conducted over the years, these women have a cavity length of 10-12cm (4-5 inches) and a diameter of 4-5 cm (1.5-2 inches).  The study showed that 7 women led successful sexual lives after the surgery, 6 of them rating excellent depth and 1 rating good.

McIndoe Vaginoplasty: Revisited

By:

Sanjay Saraf MS, MCh. (Plastic Surgery), DNB (Plastic Surgery), MNAMS

&

Praveena Saraf MS (Gyn/Obs)

http://www.ispub.com/ostia/index.php?xmlFilePath=journals/ijgo/vol6n2/vaginoplasty.xml

I have learned a lot from these studies and I have taken my healing process from the success rate of these women. There just is no need for me to stress myself out about trying to obtain or maintain a depth grater than 6 inches of depth. I do not wish to have grater than 6 inches nor am I trying to reach depths that are grater than 6 inches. For my sisters that insist that they need to be deeper to have successful sex lives, I encourage them to read the studies. The average female is smaller than the average male.

Now, the next topic focuses on which dilators should be used or what I like to think of it as vaginal trainers or vaginal stents. For women with Vaginal Agenesis who have had the McInode procedure done, there is no dilation schedule such as ours. They simply are fitted with vaginal stents which they wear 24/7 only to take off to clean themselves. We on the other hand are told to not wear our stents 24/7 but to dilate as frequently as possible and less as time passes. There is also the dilator debate which I for one have strong reasons why we should not be using dilators with blunt ends or dilators that curve up, down, side to side or that are not good for creating microtears in our neovagina’s.

Dr. Schrang, before he retired, wrote an article on the importance of dilation and the importance of using the proper dilators. He stress that dilators should not be blunted and that they should be designed in a fashion that would create microtears as well as spread the tissue upon insertion. He stressed that dilation should not be painful, as I’ve been told dilation should be painful, and that dilation should be no more than uncomfortable but not painful. Rather than post his entire article here on this post, I’ll just give you the link;

Dilation dilators in Sex Reasignment Surgery

Why do Post-Op Transsexuals have to dilate

By:

Dr. Eugene Schrang, M.D.

http://www.transgenderzone.com/library/ae/fulltext/29.htm

To say the least, I’ve come down to the decision to use only one type of dilator and to take my dilation’s at a much slower pace. I will not use any vaginal stents with blunt ends. I will not use any vaginal stents that cause pain. I will not use any vaginal stents that have bends or folds to them, despite being told that this is how a woman vagina is shaped. A woman’s vagina has no bends to it. It does not curve up and it does not curve down. The natal vagina has an angle that when she stands, it goes up and towards the back. Yet, this does not mean that the vagina has a bend to it at all. The vagina itself is straight with no bends to it. Any dilators that have bends to it is simply not natural and can cause problems in the long term as these dilators must be inserted at an angle and then reposition so that the bend can then be positioned pointing upwards towards the navel. This is clearly an improper way to dilate and stretch the neovaginas skin so that microtears are happening and new cells are forming thus increasing depth.

Again, I cannot stress the importance of learning from the McIndoe procedure on just how are they able to obtain such large numbers of success rate that ends with the woman being able to have a successful sex life despite not being 9 inches in depth and 4 inches in diameter. I was able to find another article on the internet that actually showed the vaginal stent that is to stay in place for at least 6 months. The stent is very similar to the stents that I use now which is the vaginismus dilators. My dilators also go under another name in the U.k., Owen Mumford Amielle vaginal dilators. These dilators are graduated dilators and are similar to the dilators that Dr. Schrang wrote about in his article. Femistent would be even more closer but they are very expensive.

Thus ladies, I say again, don’t be fooled by the depth debate. Your goal shouldn’t be how much depth your vagina has. Your goal should be proper healing and maintaining a depth and diameter that is possible for you to have a successful sex life. You don’t need 9 inches and 4 inches of diameter to have a successful sex life. On average, 4-5 inches of depth and 1.5 to 2 inches of diameter will be more than enough to accommodate the average sized man. You might be concerned that he wont fit and you need more depth and withe. Don’t be. All female at some point go through the fear of being able to accommodate a penis in their vagina’s. With proper dilation with the proper dilator you can be successful. Take your time and allow your body to heal.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 25, 2009

Female Orgasm….O my :)

It’s 14 days post-op and I was able to have my first female orgasm. O my….what a feeling. I shouldn’t be able to do this right now nor do I recommend anyone do what I did so few days after having a major surgery, but the build up was so strong that I couldn’t help but try.

I kept having the feeling that I could but was afraid to try out fear that I would rupture something. But each day, I gain more and more feeling down there and I have these jolts of shocks that cause me to jump. Tonight was a special night for me. My sutures were removed and as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, I became very aroused. I was so aroused that I began to have spasm in my vulva area. I couldn’t believe it. Was this what I think it is? No way, it’s way to early for this to happen. Most girls aren’t able to orgasm until 6 or 7 months after surgery. Some girls never regain the ability to orgasm after this kind of surgery.

So, I reached over, grab my Astroglide and went to town. I could feel the build up. It kept building up and finally it was there. I was this scared when I had my first orgasm at 14 years old but now I had good reason to be afraid. Were the contraction going to be so strong that I would rupture something. The contraction continued. 8 strong contractions. Then it was over. I got up turned the light on and checked to make sure everything was o.k. No bleeding. But, I was very wet and the towel was wet as well.

Now that I know that I can make it happen. I’m not so sure that I want to make it happen again so soon after surgery. It’s too early for this happen. I’m supposed to be healing and not making myself have orgasm. I’ll have to find a way to relieve myself of the desire to orgasm until I think it’s safe to do so which should be no less than 6 to 8 weeks after surgery.

Nevertheless, it sure felt good.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 22, 2009

Wound separation ….O my….

Well I have started to notice that there some pinkish color tissue that is starting to show up and it looks bad. It doesn’t hurt or cause me any problems but I wanted to make sure that there is not any problems that could cause me problems down the line. So, I called the doctor to make sure he looks at me before I head back home.

The doctor comes into my room and examines me for the last time today. He tells me that I have some wound separation but the tissue is healing so well that he cannot do anything for it right now. He tells me to return in 3 months for labiaplasty and he will fix that problem then. He also tells me that uretha has puffy lips syndrome…lol. He’ll take care of that also in 3 months.

My healing is going so well right now that I’m starting to regain sensitivity in areas which don’t happen for most girls for at least 6-8 weeks. I believe it is because I’m using the Estrogen Vaginal Cream that I spread all over. I’m also starting to get electrical shocks all over my genitalia now that sometimes sends into jolts like I’m having a shock treatment. It’s not the best of feeling when it comes from the urethra.

I’m happy, nevertheless, I wish I could stay in Fla for a bit more time and see more of the sites that Miami has to offer. But, it is time for me to go home now.  I’ll return in October for labiaplasty and some touch up work.  I have a payday coming up in about 3 more weeks and I’ll pay for the hotel, the return flight, and put some money away for any unexpected cost. Ok enough for now…talk with you later.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 19, 2009

My first UTI :( I think.

I could not take it any longer and I had to remove that indwelling catheter despite Dr. Reed saying that I should keep it in for 12 days. He told me that last Friday when I had the packing removed that he could remove the catheter but he felt more comfortable with leaving it in for 12 days because only 80% of people could go pee after only having the catheter in for 7 days. There would be a 20% chance that I would not be able to urinate if he removed it on the 7th day. Yet every SRS doctor removes the catheter on or before 7 days to avoid complications with long term use of a indwelling catheter.

I was in constant pain from that thing. Bowel movements were extremely painful and I always had this burning and painful feeling so intense that it felt like I had to pee but couldn’t. Last night, I was in deep sleep only to be woken up in extreme pain and discovered my drip bag was not emptying as it should. It felt like someone had taken a razor blade to my urethra. So, I made the decision that it had to come out today. I followed his instruction for removing the catheter and got real scared as I noticed when I cut the airline and waited for the water to stop flowing the tube was not coming out as comfortable as others have said it should be. I wanted to call 911. But I waited and it started to fall out on it’s own and it was painful.

Once it came out, I noticed that I was swollen down there and I put ice and heat to combat the swelling. I then had the feeling that I had to pee but nothing was coming out. I started to panic again and wondered if Dr. Reed was right. I called my health insurance nurse on duty and explained the situation and she told me to call Dr. Reed right away. I didn’t want to do that because I knew that Dr. Reed would not be happy with me removing the catheter after 9 days instead of 12 days. I called my mom and she told me to drink plenty of water and give it some time. Tabby said the same thing. I can tell you I was really scared that I would have to make a trip to the ER to have the catheter put back in.

After drinking plenty of water, I felt the need to sit on the toilet. I barred down just a little so not to put strain on my bladder muscles and I heard the water hitting the toilet water. I was peeing. I’m really numb down there and I didn’t even know I was going. I was so happy that I had my first urine movement without the catheter and proved that I could pee. Afterwards, I felt a burning sensation and the feeling that my bladder was still full but I know it wasn’t. I think I have a UTI which is not uncommon for women who have catheter in for so long. My mom told me she had the same thing happen and to call my doctor in the morning and order antibiotics.

So, now I’m off to endure the burning sensation for a few more days as my body gets used to being normal again.

P.s.

Had my second pee and no cloudy urine. My urine is not bloody. So I could be wrong with the self dx of UTI. I most likely am feeling the after effects of the catheter being in so long.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 17, 2009

7 days post-op

It’s been 7 days since my surgery and today marks the day that I begin dilation and the packing is removed from my vagina. The feeling of the packing coming out felt more like a bowel movement than the pain that I expected to have. What was painful was the removal of the drip tube and the second belly button that is used to hold the vagina in place.

Dilation is not the most pleasant event that I look forward to but it’s also not at all painful as I have read. I thought I would be so open down there that I could get the largest stent in but that is not the case. I have to start with the smallest stent and work my way to the second stent for 45 minute, 5 times a day. I’m more anxious to be able to accomondate the largest stent because that marks the time when I’ll be able to have my first sexual experience and right now, it seems so far off.

My appearance down there is wonderful although I would like to have the second stage down which Dr. Reed does not charge for. I’ll return in 3 months for that which will give me an even better appearance down there. I’m sure that I look very natural down there now aside of the swelling that I currently have. I’m not massively swollen, but I’m still very raw and swollen down there that I can tell needs much more healing.

Overall, I’m happy people, I’m complete now. My body is not between two sexes now and I can finally be just one sex now. I’m resting now and still trying to keep up on my homework.  So off I go now to rest some more and to dilate again. Stay tuned for more continuing updates.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 12, 2009

Post-op day 2

Dr. Reed allowed me to take a look at my new vagina today and I must say that I’m very impressed. I’m still swollen down there still some definition. My expectation are still very high and I wanted to see more definition than what’s there. To calm my nerves a little, I began to look at website with post-op pictures like Anne Lawrence and I noticed that most of the pictures were taken weeks after the surgery which I then told myself that I need to give myself some time to actually see what the final results will look like.

Dr. Reed said that if I’m not happy he can do a second stage but he feels that I don’t need it. I just wanted more labia major and minora. Dr. Reed said that it would be difficult to obtain that with the little donor tissue that I had. By all means this is not a complaint. I very happy with the results and to really see what it looks like in the end, I’ll have to wait for about another 7 weeks. If at that time, I would like to have more definition, I can then go back to Dr. Reed and he said that he would do that for me at no additional cost.

Dr. Reed said that I’m very attractive down there and that no man would actually see a problem. Outside of seeing vagina’s on xtube and pictures, I can’t judge to say for sure I know what one looks like in person.

Switching topics, I have very little pain. I feel like I have to pee all the time because of the catheter in me. Once that comes out, I’ll be able to feel very comfortable down there.  I’ve noticed that few girls write about the catheter and the effects and for me this is the most unpleasant feeling I have. It keeps me up at night because I constantly feel I need to run to the bathroom. Outside of that, I’m fine.

I can eat solid foods without any trouble although, I’ve kept myself on a liquid diet while I’m still bandage down there. I drink plenty of fluid. Most of the food that I brought has spices in it and I didn’t pay attention to the ingredients which Dr. Reed said I should stay away from any spices until after the first week of surgery. So, next week I can start to eat my spices again. This means, I’ll be eating my baby food and Jello until next week along with plenty of water.

O.k. I’m going to get some more rest now….talk with you all later.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 11, 2009

It’s a girl :) I’m complete.

Yes, my surgery was performed yesterday. I’m just coming out of sedation and I may doze off while I write this blog entry. I have absolute no pain. The only uncomfortable part is the urinary cathera in place which gives me the feeling of   having the need to pee all the time. My nurse said this actually pain from my the catheter and kept asking me if I want pain meds. I didn’t take my pain meds until I was transferred to the Hotel. Other than that, I feel no real unbearable pain.

Dr. Reed was real concerned after surgery because I began to bleed. But Anne encourage him to wait it out before rushing me to the hospital. Indeed, the bleeding stopped. That was the only complication I had and I must say it was a minor situation rather than a major which Dr. Reed thought.

Sadly, the dilator sets that I brought, didn’t satisfy Dr. Reed. He wants me to purchase them from his office which cost $350. I will not be able to buy these at this moment because I have no money. So, if any of compassionate readers wishes to contribute, please email me. I can work out arrangement to pay you back once my loan check arrives next month. I asking the public for money but I would hate to arrive at this point only to have to be re-opened because I don’t have the right set. So please consider me and email me with any donation if you can….every little bit helps.

Posted by: jasgreen | July 7, 2009

Missed flight and Delay of flights!!!!!!!

As luck would have it, Priceline sent an email with a update on my flight which I failed to look at carefully. I was scheduled to fly at 5:45pm which I thought was 6:45pm. I arrived at the airport at 5:30pm just after the cut off for my flight. When I went to pick up my ticket at the ticket counter, they told me that my flight had left already.

Of course, I didn’t understand what was going on since I understood my flight to be an hour away. Once they told me what had happened they placed me on the next flight out which was an hour and half later. Instead of getting to Fla at 11:30pm, I will not be arriving in Fla until after 2:30am.  Lucky for me I packed a pillow and blanket to cover the extra night sleep in the airport. Did I mention that I do not have any extra cash on me?

Well, I continue to say my prayers so that this turbulence can pass me by. It seems that the black dark clouds is still over my head. I only wish that it would pass me by very fast that I may get on with my life.

positive note, school started back up yesterday and I’m not happy with the class assignment that I chose. I should have stayed in the Managerial Finance class but instead I convinced my adviser to switch me the marketing class. Bad mistake. If you don’t know already my major is Accounting with an emphasis with Certified fraud Examiner.  Though I will have enough credits to take the CPA exam, I prefer to take the CFE exam and the CIA and work as an internal auditor.

Well my flight has arrived at the gate and now I’m about to board the plane. I will try to update on any important information that develops.

Thanks for reading.

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